His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
