Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
