who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
