I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
