He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
