fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
