i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Rumble strips road head = magical
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
