highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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