dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
