I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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