If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
