I am in a vortex of obligation.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
