Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
