He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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