I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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