I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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