Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
