nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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