oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
