This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
