i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
