The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
