I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
