The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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