Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
