i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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