You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Two words: nipple clamps
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