My room smells like vodka and shame
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
