New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Dicks are not precious.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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