Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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