Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
