I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Randomize
