he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
