living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
