my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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