i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
