I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
