i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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