I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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