I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
