where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
