Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
