Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize