I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
