If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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