He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
