Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
