As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
