Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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