I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
