You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
