Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
