when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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