He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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