Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Do vagina's smell?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
