Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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