Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
