shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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