found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
