I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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