Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
